For the second time in the series “Dialogues for the Family”, promoted by the Pontifical Council for the Family, the Sala Pio XI was warmed by the lively participation of specialists and of an attentive and enthused public, on the occasion of the conference-seminar on “The responsibility of the mother and the father in a child’s education. The imperfect love”, on Wednesday May 29th.
«The theme of the family, as vast as the world, with all the issues involved, which concern humanity, is of global interest, and it should be dealt with in the different perspectives, and above all on the cultural level», the President of the Dicastery, Msgr. Vincenzo Paglia said, in his introductory Greeting to the Assembly. Then, he quoted the homily given by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on the Feast of St. Joseph in 2009: «Being a father means, above all, serving life and the growth of children». We find ourselves in the midst of the «crisis of a strong educational model». And «the educational project is strong when it has a sound and viable identity». At the base, there is love. The perfect model, which embraces and heals all natural human imperfection, is the relationship that binds Jesus to Mary and Joseph. In the words of Pope Ratzinger in “The Childhood of Jesus”: «As Son, Jesus brings new freedom, but not that of a person without ties; rather the freedom of someone who is totally united to the Father’s will».Now, «this unique synthesis of obedience and freedom is one of the secrets of Christian spirituality», Bishop Paglia said. Both parents share the difficult task of education. However, in our society, “the father is absent” and “self-worship has become dominant;” ours is «a culture that exalts individuality and solitude». A healthy educational project, however, follows the track of obedience-freedom. «Perfect love is not without flaws—concluded Msgr. Paglia—but it lives in the balance between authority and obedience-freedom, in the communion of the family founded on respect for each person’s vocation».
For the moderator, Claudio Risé, «the imperfections that become manifest in the love of parents can’t be understood by reducing them to the family’s history. The difficulty experienced by many families today can’t be separated from the consideration of the human being in general. The fundamental characteristics of man are the issue: Is he creature or creator? free or manipulated by technology?». Moreover, «the fact that man is distancing himself from God is not irrelevant. The relationship with others is conditioned by exclusion of man's relationship with God». In fact, «the relationship with the divine is the synthesis and the inspiration of the relationship with others. Man becomes an object, and the mystery is reduced to a problem to be solved. When the problem is solved, it disappears. The impenetrability of the mystery is negated. Emotional relationships are weak, because the other person is loved as an object, not in his different freedom and personality».
«Perfect love engenders harmony and educates to genuine autonomy, which is neither anarchy nor dependency», Grazia Attili said. «The distorted forms of parenting, on the contrary, produce aggression and anxiety, insecurity and low self-esteem, and maladjustment». Harmonious education requires «a father and a mother, with diverse and complementary roles. Up to the age of 14, when their psycho-intellectual development is complete, children need both these figures to become well-adjusted adults, aware of their personal value and responsible, able to resolve conflicts and find mediations, as many scientific studies show». The mother represents the refuge, consolation and safety, while the father teaches the report and observation of rules, through games. These are not «idealized situations, but the reality for more than half of the families under scientific observation». Much also depends—warns the researcher—on the economic conditions and job security. «Children with sensitive and loving mothers and whose fathers are present and play with them are more successful at school and have better social relations as well as more stable and higher self-esteem». On the other hand, «distant mothers, who don’t respond to their children’s need for security, or are obsessive, intrusive and controlling, overprotective, raise children with high levels of anxiety and incapable of managing their emotions. Likewise, fathers who are authoritarian or have abandoned the exercise of authoritative paternity have children who tend toward aggression, if not violence, and are rebels». According to study conducted in the United States, more than 70% of the children who commit crimes come from single-parent contexts.
In the opinion of Giuliano Ferrara, from a socio-political perspective, the issue of parenthood is linked to that of authority. The crisis of parenting and the absence of his father in our society correspond to the crisis of authority. «In France and Spain, and also soon in England and plausibly in Germany, laws are being passed that cancel any difference for the sake of non-discrimination; they speak of ‘guardian 1’ and ‘guardian 2,’ ‘parent 1’ and ‘parent 2.’ The principle of self-determination is being affirmed over that of education. The role of the father, as educator to free conformation to the rules, is reduced as the principle of authority diminishes. Indeed, authority is paternity’s charisma». In fact, fatherhood was «an achievement of civilization», of which «the Church is the custodian». «There can be no reconstruction of the father figure in the context of a secular culture, but only in the dimension of the faith, of those who look at the world not only on the level of the air we breathe, but also raise their eyes higher, in quest of safety and protection but also certain rules and reliable authorities».
Constance Miriano shared her experience as mother of four children and journalist. She said: «There can be authoritative parenting only within the framework of a clear educational project that has a defined aim and captures the essence of life. My husband and I tell our children that the end of life is Paradise. That may seem simple, but it isn’t». Obedience—Miriano states—is based on truth. Authority is based on truth and love. «It’s an essential fact for education that in each human being there is both good and bad; and, therefore, in each of us there is something to restrain, something to develop and something to protect». The parent’s commitment to the education is a “team effort”. «What counts is that there is a common horizon toward which to move, without groping, by trial and error». For the parents of the Miriano family, «familiarity with God is this horizon and the meaning of life».
In a beautiful theological and moral lecture, Father Olivier Bonnewijn showed that «parenting is based on marriage. In the Book of Genesis it is said that man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife. This is where filiation has its origin. Filiation is rooted in parenting, which in turn is rooted in the conjugality». This social-anthropological foundation is undermined by divorce. «The child will of course continue to be loved by his parents, but by one and the other separately: the source of love is no longer the couple. Mom and Dad have separate relationships with the son, and he becomes the guarantor of the continuity of the relationship with the parents». Hence, the young child is put in the position of the “adult”, of the “parent;” he/she is no longer respected as a child. «A reversal of the parent-child relationship is produced, with effects in social life». On the contrary, «according to the moral norm children should be treated like children and not like adults. It’s a matter of justice: acknowledging what is due to children». As John Paul II said: «The parents must want the new human creature in the same way as the Creator wants him: for himself». Here, then, are some “moral rules of good parenting” for united or separated families: «be available for the children, speak the truth honestly, raise the child with the freedom to express his/her needs and words, give the son/daughter the child’s place (so that he/she is neither invisible nor invaded), and strive for educational harmony».
